The sad reality

Miscarriage.

The topic is almost taboo to talk about but is an unfortunate reality for 15-20% of all pregnancies and a bit higher than that for IVF pregnancies.

I am now part of the statistic.

Here is my story:

Yesterday morning I started cramping. It is not an all together bad thing but when I started spotting around 10am, I knew something was up. When I had bleeding a few weeks back, everything turned out okay so I wasn’t really too worried. Around 1pm, though, the bleeding picked up and my midwife’s office got me into the earliest possible appointment (4:15). When I finally got the ultrasound the OB confirmed that the baby had stopped growing at 8.5-9 weeks and there was no heartbeat. It was likely due to the progesterone injections that I did not miscarry sooner. I went home with a heavy heart and an uneasiness about what was going to happen next.

By the time I got home at 5:45, things were moving along very fast. It was honestly a bit frightening how much blood there was. I was not nearly prepared for it. Luckily my mother-in-law was here to watch my toddlers while I spent the next hour in the bathtub. At 6:15pm, the hardest birth I’ve ever experienced emotionally happened. It was not at all like the births of my children. Where it hurt but there was a happy cry at the end. This was horrifically silent. And pushing didn’t help because there were no contractions behind it. So I squatted there, covered in blood, watching as the sack of the little boy I was so excited to carry slowly came out.

I’m heartbroken for his parents. They are heartbroken for him. It’s an extremely sad situation.

A sad reality of pregnancy and IVF and surrogacy.

And now of my life too.

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